Things I learned in 2019

It’s crazy how this year is coming to a close; I feel like time just passes faster the older you get. And even a slight bit faster when you have kids. I swear Tums was just born 4 months ago and not 9.

2019 was one of the worst years I’ve had in a very very long time. Dare I say it was just as bad if not worse than 2014? Cause it sure as hell felt like it — not to mention I also had to get on meds this year. That’s how rough it was.

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Now fall

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Final Fantasy XIV just announced Blue Mage.

I started playing Final Fantasy XI back in 2004; I knew what “Final Fantasy” was I just didn’t care much for it. I’ve played video games since Nintendo and Duck Hunt and I’ve always been attracted to the shorter Mario games or DDR or fighting games.

But RPG’s? Things that required me to invest time?

Nah.

I was dating a guy at the time who was heavy into all kinds of games. And I was one of those girlfriend’s who didn’t exactly complain when they’d spend 16hrs on a game but I just didn’t understand why either. So one day he shows this emote TaruTaru’s had on FFXI that was /panic and I fell in love! I thought it was the cutest thing ever!

My first character on a Final Fantasy MMO was a girl Taru named Ihiphop. I ended up so much more invested in the game I ended up signing up for my own account. I recreated her as Ihiiphop and a boy since my bf at the time only played female characters and you’re able to get married in game but it had to be a boy and a girl (FFXI didn’t support same sex marriage at the time). Over the span of about 8 years Ihiiphop did his White Mage thing until I decided I wanted to be a cat girl and so Cheshiire was created as a Monk.

I ended up quitting FFXI because life got busy and all my friends started quitting. Eight years is a pretty good run anyway.

I won’t lie, there are a lot of times I miss FFXI so much and my friends — I still keep in contact with some but I’ve lost touch with lots of others.

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Christmas 2018 🎄

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I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with Christmas ever since I was little — to the point where in my teen and early adulthood years it caused seasonal depression. My worst mental breakdown came around the holidays in 2014 which completely wrecked me mentally and I still to this day get hallucinations when I’m overly stressed; even if I feel fine.

So me and the holidays have never really had a very good or healthy relationship.

In the more recent years I’ve tried to focus on self traditions to find ways to enjoy the holidays because depressed or not the holidays are really a beautiful time of the year.

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I said yes 💍

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I said yes 💍

Left ↠ Penny proposing to Axelyn in July 2016

Right ↠ Bubba’s real life engagement ring in October 2018

If you told me 2 years ago that this boy would be everything I had ever dreamed of and more. That he’d drop to one knee in real life some day and ask me to marry him, I probablyyyy wouldn’t believe you. But since our FFXIV wedding in 2016 he’s never treated me as anything less than a wife.

He is the most compassionate, patient and selfless man I’ve ever met and I am beyond excited to be spending the rest of my life with him.

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It would had been her due date…

It’s hard to believe that nine months have flown by that fast — though I guess if I were still pregnant it would had felt like forever, especially now.

Technically her due date was estimated on the 22nd, the day after Penny & Axelyn’s 2nd wedding anniversary. How cool would that had been?! For their first anniversary I moved down to Texas and for their second we coulda had a baby. Okay, it’s a little sped up but you get what I’m saying.

Also I didn’t want to back log this post because… I just didn’t. Though if I had written this on the 22nd I would had been a blubbery mess of emotions like I had been when I wrote a very brief Facebook post.

Today would had been her due date…

I think the part that sort of sucks the most was that we lost the baby 3 days before her first appt and before her ultrasound; but at the same time I truly believe that it was for the better.

Would I had wanted to know the baby wasn’t going to make it on Christmas Eve? Or would I had been better off not knowing and enjoying Christmas as much as I could before we figured out something was wrong?

I watched a video earlier where someone had said; “there’s no reason to be bitter, these people aren’t taking anything away from you by sharing their news.” there’s something like sadness and a bit of jealousy seeing everyone who announced their pregnancy around the time I should had and are now posting pics of their healthy babies while mine isn’t here anymore. But there’s also a pain in remembering the entire time I was heavily bleeding in the middle of the night and going through painful contractions the only reason I was crying was because I knew my baby was dead.

I don’t have anything positive to really say about this, and I don’t like writing negative posts but I’m sure anyone who’s miscarried probably has felt the same way I feel right now.

It was suppose to be your due date.

My mind just stops there, abruptly.

I’m sad we never got to meet you. Or even see you. Your daddy loved you so much from the moment I told him you were here. And I miss you, all the time.

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Happy 2 years~!

Two years ago I married my best friend in a different world.

I can’t believe it’s been two whole years since then! Time truly does fly when you’re having fun, I guess. Because it definitely doesn’t feel like two years. It feels like we just got married. But thinking of the span of time from this day to today and everything that has happened between is crazy.

I’m thankful for this moment. For this day. For the friends that were once family and though they’re not anymore I still keep these memories close to me. I’m thankful for the man by my side who did everything in his power to be there for me — a random girl he met on a video game states away and how he never left my side.

I definitely didn’t know what I was getting into when I decided to say yes to Sir Penny’puss.

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This boy with his smooth lines, sexy catboi and his sexy glamours who for the last two years since we became friends had made sure that I go to sleep every single night with a smile on my face. Who’s never taken his eyes or his attention off of me.

(Don’t worry, my hotbar doesn’t look like that anymore)

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June 21st, 2016 ~

Sometimes life throws up something so god awful you think you’ll never recover. And sometimes it’ll also throw you under the bus. And sometimes, just sometimes, it’ll throw you someone you were NOT at all even trying to look for.

A few days ago hit the 2 year anniversary of when I was forced to get an abortion. I admit that I had been over my ex lonnnnnnng before that. And I was in a very weird in between state of: okay how do I escape this awful situation I’m in and I never ever want to date anyone or have sex ever again for the rest of my damn life.

So when I felt well enough to jump back on FFXIV I was a bit annoyed my friend at the time was heavy set on me meeting a guy she thought I would love. I told her I wasn’t interested nor was I in the mood. I actually told my entire Free Company to stay away from me that day.

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I had spent the day fishing because fishing in FF MMO’s was always a way I had relaxed. And Costa del Sol was definitely a beautiful place to just try and get my mind off of things. It’s still one of my favorite places in the game.

I locked myself in my room and I tried to stay away from everyone.

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But apparently my friend manged to catch me in the crafting room while I was looking for fishing bait and brought the boys — including the one she was trying to introduce me to — with her. I only knew Xer (the one in all black) who was “her guy”. I figured the one she was trying to have me meet was Sir Penny’puss (the one who is IRONICALLY matching me). I didn’t know who Naha was at the time and I think there was one other guy there but he had left before I snapped this picture.

I was purposely targeted on Naha because I felt so awkward there. Penny had came up to me and hit me with a macro and I had never seen someone compile a macro just as something fun to do. Most of the time people just do macro’s as an easier way to cast a spell or raise people so to see him put together this really fun macro was interesting.

Right when he was done they all stood around me and hit me with the /joy emote which is one of my favorite boy cat emotes. Then they randomly ported away. My friend told me to chill with them in Limsa but I was still feeling a bit low so I decided to log off instead.

I didn’t have a very big opinion on Penny when I first met him — I was surprised he was wearing a straw hat and that his outfit damn near matched mine. And I thought he had a lot of energy. That last bit is still true to this day, two years later.

I remember not really knowing what to make of him or if I was interested in him since I didn’t know him. But I ended up adding him on Facebook a few days later. And I started a poke war with him. That turned into very early morning conversations that went on all day long for weeks.

On the 23rd he started throwing out smooth lines to me:

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I went afk for a bit to fold laundry and I came back to Penny sitting right in front of me staring at me. In a top hat. He didn’t know it at the time, I’m sure, but top hats are a weakness.

Me: I’d fold my clothes happily if I came back to this all the time.
Penny: If I’m around I’ll always do this.

And eventually on June 24th this happened:

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I asked him if he had a mat I needed for a top I wanted to craft and he did happen to have it, I was particularly new to this game so I didn’t know much about how things worked or how to obtain them. So he met up with me when he got on after work and gave me the mat I needed.

He then decided to keep me company while I fished and between pony farming with his Free Company.

Again, we’re kinda matching.

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I talk about this particular photo a lot.

I don’t really know why but it’s still one of my favorite /gpose catches. I don’t remember what we were doing or why we were even throwing emotes at each other and I still to this day have trouble getting Axelyn to face Penny when I’m doing /gpose. But the one time it actually worked, the photo turned out to be one of my favorites.

It’s hard for me to figure out what day I should write/post this post. Simply because we met on the 21st. Well we “met”. We hung out together for the first time on the 24th and we started dating on the 30th. Or well that’s when we had our “first date”. We don’t really have a legit anniversary date so we just picked that one.

~*~

Sometimes life throws things at us that we’re not looking for. Or things we feel like we’re not ready for. But I’ve never been one to let a chance that may change my life slip by.

I can’t believe it’s been 2 years already, it definitely doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. The time has just zipped on by!