Monday Mindful Manifestation

Monday Mindful Manifestation

There’s nothing more discouraging than the holidays and seeing your blog stats drop.

I mean, I’m sure there are more discouraging events that are far worse but for me, in this moment, I’m struggling.

I have a serious love/hate relationship with Winter days and nights. I’ve always had pretty good memories of winter living at my mom’s house. It’s like the whole place was transformed into something cozy and filled with whatever that warm fuzzy holiday family feeling was. Lit candles, snacks and tree lights. But Christmas has never really been my favorite holiday. I’ve always preferred December to Christmas. I try to recreate the atmosphere my mom effortlessly did every single year, but I always feel like I fall short.

I also get seasonal depression, even with the warm fuzzy family feelings. And I never knew why or how. I mean I spent a lot of my child and teen hood battling depression but it got so much worse in the winter. It’s easier to manage now, and more annoying than anything when it comes back.

When it comes to blogging, there’s a ton of factors when things don’t work out. I need to take a step back and re-evaluate my content, my marketing, and find time through out the day to get everything I need to get done.

This week I want to manifest the reminder of my 3 year plan. The reminder that I’m capable of accomplishing anything I set my heart on. I’ve proved it to myself so many times through out the years. I CAN do this, I just have to WANT to. I need to remember to let go of petty small distractions; including my own thoughts. We’re creeping up to the last month of 2020; let’s see what I can accomplish in the next 31 days if I 100% put my mind to it!

What is something you’d like to manifest for yourself this week?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I’m feeling slightly better from being sick over the week and weekend! I’m ready to get back to work — after I take a nap.

I’ve been listening to a lot rap lately; but then again I usually do. But more so recently, being sick last week sucked. I hate feeling sick during the holidays or pre-holidays because I always feel like I have so much to do. It honestly doesn’t help that whenever you’re feeling at your lowest it seems like the universe wants to remind you all these things are coming up that you have never heard of before!

So this week is going to be a week mostly of catch up. With making calls I need to make, cleaning, wrapping gifts for my family and friends, and getting ready to ship things. Also to look into things I’d like to bake for the holidays. And set up my streaming/Switch stuff. Oh… and my end of the year TBR. I really really need to work on that TBR plus I’m so close to finishing my GoodReads reading challenge!

So this week I want to try to remind myself to chill out, grab some coffee, think these things through and plan realistically and handle it. It’s almost 2021 and I need to get my mind, my soul, and my money right.

My current playlist;

My Shit Bang by E-40

Zipper by Jason Derulo

Gangsta Nation by Westside Connection

Hood Stomped Out by Clyde Carson

Walk it Out by Unk

Is That Your Chick by Memphis Bleek

What Means The World To You by Cam’ron

Get Your Walk On by Xzibit

I Think They Like Me by Dem Franchize Boyz

Grillz by Nelly

F Em All by ThisWae

A lottttttt of these songs bring me back to high school and college and of course ThisWae is my brother. This is legit one of my favorite tracks by him. And the video is dope af.

I don’t talk much about my before life but I grew up in a hood ass area. Graduated from a hood ass high school after being kicked out of my own high school. Can “childhood trouble makers” grow up to be decent adults and successful? ABSO-FUCKIN-LUTLY. Who you are in high school does NOT define you. I’ve seen a handful of the worst people I graduated with grow into business men, I’ve watched them find success, and be amazing fathers and husbands. And we ALL cheer each other on. It’s been years since we graduated but I’m still just as close to all of them, they all support me, lift me up and cheer me on when I need it.

It might also help to explain my ex husband was just as hood. I loved watching him c-walk. We were those annoying ass people who sat in a mall parking lot bumping rap with their car doors open just chillen. I met Wae through my ex husband, they rolled in the same circle. Wae himself has put him and his friends in fights and all kinds of crazy shit when we were kids. But ever since the first day I met Wae he had my back. When people at work were harassing and shit talking me, he stood up and told them to back off. It’s rare to find people like that, so when you do, you hold on to them tight. The love I have for him is absolutely endless.

So rap and hip hop have been a huge part of my life. And I hate that the more I’m away from home, or people like me, the more I feel that part of myself fade away. It only comes back when people push me to my limit and I stop caring about what people think or say about me. Esp since I’m a really nice person and I really try to stay out of peoples way.

So this week, I’ll remember who I am. Where I came from. What I’ve accomplished and what I know I’m capable of.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

It’s getting closer and closer to the end of the year; which means shorter days. Chaos. ALL THE GIFT WRAPPING. And if you live away from home, trying to figure out when to hit the post office before everyone else plans to.

The last 2 weeks have been a bust on so many blog/reading/cleaning plans. Readjusting to medication always sucks and there’s always something new that happens it seems. I don’t remember the first time I went through this anything like this. Then again I didn’t have an active toddler to watch last time and had the luxury of sleeping all day. If that’s what I wanted.

I am however 98% done with my Christmas shopping; I just need to wrap, address, stick in a box and SHIP. But even I think it’s a bit too early to ship. Maybe this weekend, since it’ll be closer to Thanksgiving and I know that’s when most Filipino’s put up their Christmas tree’s. Speaking of Thanksgiving I still haven’t found a dessert I want to make! Bubba got me a kitchenaid (FINALLY) and now I can bake ALL THE THINGS I WANT but now it’s like my mind went blank and I don’t know what to do. Something similar happened when a friend of mine got me Photoshop 7.0 back in the day. I sat there with an empty new document for what felt like DAYS. My ex husband would stare at me like “your mind is just exploding isn’t it?” and I’d just sit there staring at my screen whimpering lol.

I have a few fun things bookmarked but nothing that really screams Thanksgiving.

Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Pexels.com

Remember to rest.

Sometimes I feel like I spend too much time resting. Even though I don’t sleep through the night and I refuse to take naps. I almost feel guilty taking naps. Like there’s so much to do/get done that I can’t nap. And whatever, that’s fine. But I do need to remind myself to rest. Be it setting aside some time to just read. Or color in a coloring book. Or binge watching a show I’ve already seen. Whatever my definition of “doing nothing” means, I need to make more time to do just that.

And with the holidays coming it would be best to remember that now before the crazy starts.

Hope you all had a good weekend and have a good week!

Monday Mindful Manifestation

It’s so cold today and it’s gloomy and raining. But so far I haven’t seen any lightning or heard any thunder and I LIVE for that on rainy days. Maybe later. Or tomorrow. Who knows, it’s Texas after all. I’ve been trying to get Sophie to stay out of the office this morning and Tums keeps wedging herself between us saying “no, no!” she’s so protective over her fur-sister it’s insane. Insanely adorable.

I finally got my Sage in last week. Thank goodness. It’s crazy how something like that could change your entire night time routine and your mental health. I need to be better at keeping Sage around. I still need to work on cleaning, sorting and organizing the office and some of the living room. I just don’t know where I want things to go just yet. And I also need to find a dish or something for my crystals.

It totally slipped my mind that Halloween is this week. I feel like I didn’t even get a chance to enjoy October yet! There’s no pumpkin patch photos or anything with us this year and I’m trying not to be disappointed. The most I can do is be better at prepping for Christmas. Even if Halloween is my favorite, there’s always next year…

I have a few exciting projects I can’t wait to get started on; both will be pushing my creative boundaries which I haven’t done in SUCH a long time. One will be using my love for candles and wax melts as well as incorporating scents into memories and the other will be using the culinary skills I learned almost 20 years ago that I should had been using this whole time. That part is gonna be the harder one.

November is also NaNoWriMo and I’ve written the beginning of the book I’ll be working on this year. It’s not another retelling, it’s not fairy tales and it’s not really YA either. It’s more like something I feel like I have to write about and I have to get out of my system.

I’m big on starting heavy projects and being all excited about them and suddenly just stopping randomly because I get discouraged. The only thing I so far haven’t quit on is blogging and photography. I’m trying to be better at not quitting before I start and not getting discouraged so easily.

Luckily the longer I take my Zoloft (I’m on a much lower dose than I was on the first time 5 years ago) the more I can feel my brain fog lifted. The more I can feel my creativity coming back and wanting to be used. And it’s been such a long time since I’ve felt like that. Now if only I can get my financial shit in order I’d be so set.

This week I want to manifest and remind myself that I’m capable of all the things I dream of doing and accomplishing.

What’s something you’re looking to manifest this week?

Monday Mindfulness Manifestation

Me and my bro have been really close since day 1. He’s the first dude to stand up for me in the drop of a hat. Don’t matter if I’m wrong or right, he’s got my back, period. And in all the years I’ve known him, he’s always been there for me. Period. Also probably one of the only Pisces I get along with. We both have a tendency to move around a lot so we haven’t seen each other since… 2007 I wanna say? But conversations with him always feel like a recharge to my soul.

There are moments, days, weeks where my closest friends will do something or say something to remind me how much they truly love and care for me. How absolutely unconditional it is and always has been. And I know I tend to forget that sometimes. I never forget that I’m never ever alone but sometimes I do tend to forget that there are a lot of people who would miss me if I were gone.

Stay close to those who makes you feel like you’re easy to love

Because no one should ever be around energy and around people who make you feel like you’re worthless and not worthy of transparency, love and support. I have found myself in those places one too many times and every time it’s taken a toll on my mental, spiritual, emotional and even my physical health and that’s not okay.

This week I’ll remind myself that no matter where I think I am in life, no matter how behind I personally feel I am, that there are people in this world that still think I’m worthy of everything I dream about. That there are people who know my past, who have lived it WITH ME that never factor it into anything negative. Would never use it as a way to say I’m a bad mom. That there are people who KNOW how much I hated kids and are happy to see how my daughter makes me light up. And that my friends love her just as fiercely as I do.

Wishing you all a good week!

Monday Mindfulness Manifestation

This week has been crazy.

We fully moved into the new place (which I swear I feel like a broken record at this point, my bad yall) and now it’s just a matter of organizing things, sorting through things I want to keep and get rid of, cleaning, and cleaning some more. I had plans to decorate but due to money issues (isn’t adulting fun) that’s gonna have to wait. I also need to buckle up and be way more mindful of what I’m buying. I really want to replace my desk and my night stand but I haven’t found one of either that I actually like, so.

This week I want to focus on staying calm and trying to control my OCD as I go through and clean the new place. I want to focus on not letting the feeling of being overwhelmed distract or discourage me; and I know that’s a lot to be asking but I really really want to try to manage these emotions this week because I KNOW they’ll come up.

I want to focus on making this place the zen, clutter free home I’ve always dreamed of. I also want to make Tums’ play area the way I envisioned it. Which will probably take a lot longer than I’d like to admit. But it’s a process, right?!

I’m trying to keep up with blogtober as best as I can despite missing Saturday and Sunday; maybe I’ll keep the weekends free since Saturday is usually errands day and Sunday is usually my full home cleaning day. If only people got paid to be mothers lmao (as I hold the baby on my lap while typing this)!

I hope you’re all having a wonderful day and I’m wishing you a wonderful and productive week!

Monday Mindfulness Manifestation

We got our keys to our new place last weekend; so now we’re in the process of moving things through out the week. I ended up with a migraine the day we got our keys and honestly getting sick the week or right after I move has always been a thing and I’m so over it. Like come on body, we move every year for the last 10 years. Sometimes twice. Get with the program, we got shit to do!

OCD freak out aside (when it comes to the bedroom, hardcore); I’m suuuper excited to start setting up and decorating the office/the kiddo’s room. Half will be my office and the other half will be her “room” or her “space”. So far she’s not digging being in there by herself. She has a problem with not being able to SEE us so I’m not exactly sure how to make it easier on her. We have a much bigger kitchen with a beautiful breakfast island. But no built in bookshelves. Weird. I mean I could always install some on the walls if I really want to, which I might actually do this time. I’m also really excited to be able to use my desktop again!

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Monday Mindful Manifestation

It’s moving week.

I move every year. Don’t ask me why, it’s just a thing I do. A thing I’m use to. The one obvious proof I clearly have commitment issues. I have moved every year since 2011; that’s almost 10 years of moving and I’ve never renewed a lease. There’s too many other places and areas to discover! I don’t do well with staying in one place for too long.

You’d think with knowing this I’d be PRO at packing and unpacking right? Hell no. Not even close. I feel like every year I have even MORE stuff than the last time I had to pack/move. I guess now that I have a toddler that doesn’t really make anything better either. And even worse is we haven’t even started packing yet. I don’t know what is going on but I’m definitely disappointed in myself.

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Monday Mindful Manifestation

I’m drafting this post a little later than usual; this weekend was hectic. And I’m just tired, like in my soul. Not to mention whoever said period cramps go away after childbirth LIED. I feel like the pain has been getting worse and worse every month. I’ve been really into Sage cleansing, so much that the Lavender Smudge Stick I just got is almost done. Just wish it didn’t shed so much!

This week I want to focus on the things I can control.

I’m such a huge believer in the law of attraction, it’s just lately my mind has been cloudy and distracted. I have a set of things I’d like to manifest and make happen within the next year or so; one being finishing my BA studies (just one dinky year left) and another is growing this blog. I get so caught up between this one and hazearella and I get things mixed up but I need to set a solid posting topic for them both and stick to it.

I created this blog to brain dump my mental health posts, I didn’t feel it belonged on hazearella since the theme has always been pink and girly things. I found myself reviewing things more there and talking less and less about my life. I’ve tried to change that a few times but it’s hard when stick yourself in a box. It does seem that my posts about Texas do well there ironically?! Whereas here I was free to talk about gaming, Funko Pops (even though I haven’t yet), Disney, books, anime and my own demons.

It’s National Suicide Prevention Month and when I first started this blog I did a whole series dedicated to the hobbies I throw myself into when I’m trapped in a depression spiral. I’ve thought of redoing the series, so maybe this year I’ll do just that!

So here’s my public throwing-this-out-in-the-universe notice that this week I’ll focus more on the things I want to manifest than the things I haven’t gotten done yet.

Wish me luck, this is going to be a challenge!

What is something you want to manifest this week or month?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

I stumbled on this quote on Pinterest last week. I’m not sure if this is actually something I can manifest but it’s something I can definitely consider. Well I guess I could manifest it too.

I use to be a pretty open book; I don’t add people to my FB unless I know them or know I can trust them. When I added my in laws my mom told me to either delete them or to stop talking about my mental health. She was afraid they’d think I was crazy. I told her not to worry and they don’t judge like that. Not to mention one of my husband’s sisters works in mental health.

What I didn’t know was that they were pretty selective lurkers. It seems like they’d catch a gist of my post but now the whole thing. So in January when his mom and sisters targeted me, his adopted sister in law and his adopted brother in law, his bio sister who works in mental health and his mom had a lot to say about my mental health. Saying I was full of shit and I was crazy and basically everything my mom warned me about.

Granted this is the second time in laws have done this to me.

Don’t you just hate when your mom is right?!

But there are so many of my friends that message me thanking me for being so honest and transparent about the things I struggle with because it helps them feel less alone. Because it helped them sort out their own feelings about a similar situation. And I end most of these posts on a positive note.

Ever since I was diagnosed with OCD, depression and mild anxiety I wanted to change the conversation. I hated how my ex husband thought I was “making it up”. I hated how hard it was to find info on OCD and anxiety back then (think the days before Google). I read every article I could find, every book. To try and understand why this was happening to me. If it was cureable. If it would ever go away.

How could your brain just break and how do you unbreak it?

I didn’t like how alone I felt, and I don’t want anyone else to feel alone. Anxiety is already a very unkind friend living in your head. Just be fuckin kind to other people. I’m pretty sensitive when someone attacks me because of my anxiety. And I’m most likely going to cut them off forever because they are literally not my type of my people and definitely not my audience.

Because of this I have scaled back on posting on FB at all. I don’t even know the last time I posted a picture of the kiddo. And tbh, that’s unfair to my mom.

So I could remind myself that writing about what hurts helps people.

And all I ever want to do is make people feel less alone. Less misunderstood. It’s just so hard to write when I’m constantly wondering if they’re lurking my stuff for more shit to talk about me. And yes, it shouldn’t matter. But it makes me so uncomfortable.

Last time this happened it was the final straw that made us consider a divorce, it got so bad I tried filing for a restraining order against my then mother in law and sister in law.

But this is something I struggle with every day and it fuckin sucks.