Monday Mindful Manifestation

So how did I do with last week’s MMM? I think I did pretty well; I obviously haven’t worked through  all of it but I’ve at least tried to actively make moves to be better at controlling my thoughts and feelings towards it.

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This weeks Monday Mindful Manifestation is something that I’ve always truly believed and something that I stick to as much as I can. I get to choose my tribe and my circle. I get to have control over what type of energy I want to surround myself with and knowing I’m a creative type, I like to keep other likeminded and creative people around me. I love bouncing ideas off of friends, they definitely help me stay on my goals and help hold me accountable. And if I have a problem, they help me brainstorm a solution.

I’ve always believed that people who sit around talking about other people have small minds, and project their own insecurities super loudly by doing so. Maybe it’s just me, I’d rather spend my energy creating than hating.

The energy you keep is the energy you’re feeding yourself, make sure it’s good.

You can’t live a positive life with a negative mind set and environment, trust me. I’ve tried. And no matter how hard you push, no matter how hard you work on yourself, your environment plays a HUGE part in your outcome and your mental health. So stay healthy, and that includes keeping positive people around you.

This is my manifestation for this week — a reminder to reach out to my loved ones when I feel like I’m struggling.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

This morning I thought of something I wanted to manifest and wanted to share it on my blog; maybe every week I’ll make it a point to think of what I want to manifest for that week or even just that day.

I admit that I absolutely tend to care what people say or think about me. Sometimes a little too much. There was a time I legitimately didn’t care cause I was either so self confident in myself or too full of myself to even believe them; I often miss those days and wonder where they went — but tbh they were the last days before anxiety crept into my life and changed everything.

It’s been over 10 years since then and my name has been dragged through the mud so much since. Between ex boyfriends and ex husbands who tell reverse tales of what really happened, to ex and current in laws who shame me for speaking about mental health and sharing my stories (which to them makes me “full of shit” and a bad mom).

I know you can’t please everyone and the ones who know you best will always know who you truly are despite what anyone says about you; but it does bother me. And it does take a lot of my thought process and healing space.

So this week, I’m manifesting the quote above; people will always have something to say about you, but what they say and what they think is none of your business in the first place.

What I think about myself is my business.

What are you hoping to manifest this week?

3 Ways I keep Calm

3 Ways I keep Calm

I previously wrote about the 5 Daily Things I Do As Self Care; self care is SUCH a big deal to me and it’s something I’m constantly working on. It’s something I try to make sure I make time for in my every day life.

Keeping calm isn’t something I’m very good at. I stress out super easy. The more I stress out the worst my anxiety gets and it’s a never ending cycle. So there are certain things I keep around to help me/remind me to chill out.

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5 Daily Things I Do As Self Care

5 Daily Things I Do As Self Care

One thing you’ll learn about me is that I’m BIG on self care. I’m a creature of routine, ritual and habit and absolutely nothing gets in the way of my daily routines.

Even back when Disneyland and Vegas were frequent vacation destinations I had a routine!

Every day I have a clear set of things I have to do when I wake up and right before I go to bed. Sure, some of these might be OCD driven but whatever, they help me get ready and help me end the day. Like signals for my body on what time of the day it is.

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Things I learned in 2019

It’s crazy how this year is coming to a close; I feel like time just passes faster the older you get. And even a slight bit faster when you have kids. I swear Tums was just born 4 months ago and not 9.

2019 was one of the worst years I’ve had in a very very long time. Dare I say it was just as bad if not worse than 2014? Cause it sure as hell felt like it — not to mention I also had to get on meds this year. That’s how rough it was.

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Mental Health — 2 Years Ago

I created this blog as a place where I could be as open and as transparent as I wanted about whatever I wanted to talk about — with that said there are a lot of things in the last 3 years I haven’t really expressed, shared or talked about because I just wasn’t in a place where I could and isn’t that strange? To have to suffer in silence for that many years?

Two years ago I was living with my boyfriend at the time who I had been dating for about a year and a half. We didn’t have a good relationship. We barely got along. I had been trying to break up with his since Easter after he had put his hands on me and slammed me on the couch with his hands around my throat screaming in my face.

Despite the many attempts I had tried to break up with him and kick him out, he just wasn’t listening. He’d start an argument with me and get more angry than me to appear threatening to get me to stop or shut up. We literally never resolved any problems we had — and we had A LOT.

On Memorial Day weekend his mom took us out for lunch and at the time I thought I had just been hit with really bad motion sickness. When we began dating I had been forced to stop taking anti anxiety meds cold turkey and since then my motion sickness had gone wayyy up so I figured it was just one of those moments.

Over a week it had stayed consistent along with dizziness. I couldn’t stomach very much food and even playing FFXIV would trigger my motion sickness.

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Mental Health: Medication Story

Bubba wanted me to write a very detailed and extensive blog post on OUR BLOG about my journey with anxiety and so parts ONE and TWO can be found there. I’ve debated on copying + pasting them here as well but I’m not sure…

With that said I’m jumping a bit ahead to the medication part of my story.

When I were first diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Anxiety in 2005 I refused medication; I figured if my brain had the ability to rewire itself, it had the ability to rewire itself back. I never assumed it would be easy, especially considering how intense my anxiety and anxiety attacks were back then. I went to group therapy every week and I went to one on one therapy once or twice a month until 2010.

Here’s the thing about therapy. It won’t work if you’re not ready. And if you’re not ready, that is totally fine. There’s no reason to rush a process that you’re not ready to dive in to. Just because you doesn’t mean you’ll beat this any faster than you plan to.

Working around and through your anxiety is a journey only YOU can take. Only YOU know your limits. And you should NEVER let SOMEONE ELSE direct that journey FOR YOU. Never feel like you’re disappointing someone by not getting over this at the speed they want you to get over it. YOU are NOT the disappointment, THEY are for pushing you beyond your comfort level.

Just had to throw that out there.

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Mental Health: & Music

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When I wrote yesterday’s entry I wasn’t aware that it was Mental Health Awareness Week. I feel like MHAW/MHAM come and go so often that it’s hard to keep track of these things. Not to mention in my world, Mental Health Awareness is pretty much an every day thing.

I feel like my life has all kinds of divides and chapters when I look back on it; from the time I was 13 until my anxiety full force kicked in at 20 I struggled HEAVILY with depression and suicide. I was constantly listening to music. CONSTANTLY. There was rarely ever a time I wasn’t playing music. Everything from DDR songs to 80’s Light Rock to Hip Hop to R&B to Slow Jams to Techno to Alternative.

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Mental Health: & Gaming

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I’ve always been a bit of a loner and when I was younger this use to really really bother me; not feeling enough. Being that friend that just wasn’t enough: Not popular enough, not pretty enough, not interesting enough, not socialable enough… and often times my long time friends would ditch me and completely cold shoulder me once they jumped into a new group of better and cooler friends.

There are literally a handful of people who have stuck by me my whole life and who are still some of my most dearest friends today.

As I got older, I started to care less about fitting in and cared more about writing. About making time to play video games (I was really into the DDR scene in high school). About working to fund these DDR events. I cared more about being different, about standing out and I cared way less about what anyone thought about me.

I’ve always dealt with depression, at least since I was 13 and I had really bad anger issues at 16. The two mixed together always turned into an epic disaster.

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