Monday Mindfulness Manifestation

This week has been crazy.

We fully moved into the new place (which I swear I feel like a broken record at this point, my bad yall) and now it’s just a matter of organizing things, sorting through things I want to keep and get rid of, cleaning, and cleaning some more. I had plans to decorate but due to money issues (isn’t adulting fun) that’s gonna have to wait. I also need to buckle up and be way more mindful of what I’m buying. I really want to replace my desk and my night stand but I haven’t found one of either that I actually like, so.

This week I want to focus on staying calm and trying to control my OCD as I go through and clean the new place. I want to focus on not letting the feeling of being overwhelmed distract or discourage me; and I know that’s a lot to be asking but I really really want to try to manage these emotions this week because I KNOW they’ll come up.

I want to focus on making this place the zen, clutter free home I’ve always dreamed of. I also want to make Tums’ play area the way I envisioned it. Which will probably take a lot longer than I’d like to admit. But it’s a process, right?!

I’m trying to keep up with blogtober as best as I can despite missing Saturday and Sunday; maybe I’ll keep the weekends free since Saturday is usually errands day and Sunday is usually my full home cleaning day. If only people got paid to be mothers lmao (as I hold the baby on my lap while typing this)!

I hope you’re all having a wonderful day and I’m wishing you a wonderful and productive week!

“Time won’t wait for you,”

Something my dad constantly, as in every single morning, told me as he was waking me up for school and as I struggled to want to even be alive. And despite how frustrated I made him, he never yelled or got overly mad.

But this is something that has stuck with me my whole life.

It might had contributed to what I call my White Rabbit Syndrome where I feel like I’m constantly racing against time. WHO KNOWS.

The last time I saw my dad; Dec 2013

Today marks one year since my dad passed away after a 8 year battle with Cancer. Whew, counting that blew my mind. While death from Cancer is never a positive outcome, obviously, he was lucky to had lived that long. My dad had his own anxieties that showed up when I was really young. He was obsessed with the fact that he was dying long before he was even diagnosed with Cancer and that was hard to deal with since he’d use it as a reason against an argument or that “I don’t feel good, I might be dying, I don’t know,” I almost feel like being diagnosed brought him some sort of weird anxiety relief.

And at first, it didn’t see so bad. He had radiation therapy and he was constantly sick but it wasn’t anything that seemed like it would disrupt how our lives were normally lived. So I’ll admit that for the first few years it was hard to imagine there was Cancer because nothing really changed. He wasn’t losing hair or weight or anything. A year after he was diagnosed I got my job back at Disney World so in 2013 I moved back to Florida. We came back to visit that December. In October it was my dad who called and told me that my dog passed away. So to be there without him that year was really hard for me.

I never went back after that. I never saw my dad after that.

And that will always be the hardest thing to swallow.

Continue reading ““Time won’t wait for you,””

Friday Finds (5)

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This week has been pretty slow; I’ve been invested in working on my food blog and on me and my BFF’s travel blog (which still needs A LOTTT or work). So I haven’t really been bookmarking a ton of things or on Twitter as much as I should  or I guess feel like I should be! I hate the new WP editor btw, it definitely lags my laptop and it’s just so frustrating!

〉 I’m sharing Joy the Baker’s Let it Be Sunday post; she shares a bunch of great podcasts I’d like to give a try!

〉 I’m a sucker for Coconut Agua Fresca so when I stumbled on Pinch of Yum’s post about Cucumber Agua Fresca I immediately saved it hopes I could replace the Cucumber with Coconut!

〉 ICYMI I shared my story about my history with The Haunted Mansion attraction in honor of their 51st Anniversary of Happy Haunts.

I also shared my Fall TBR for 2020 on hazearella this week. I’ll be posting the reviews here though!

I definitely have a thing about reading other people’s lists of things that made them happy! Check out May’s list

Definitely had planned on linking most posts but this editor is really working my nerves lol sorry guys, I’m gonna figure out how to fix it or at least get my laptop to stop lagging.

Is anyone else having this problem with the new WP editor?

Happy 51st Anniversary Haunted Mansion

The Haunted Mansion celebrated its 51st anniversary this week and I figured maybe I should write down my lifelong experience and struggle with this attraction; that I absolutely hated then grew to love.

When I was little, like maybe 7 I went to Disneyland with my cousin’s family. And my cousin made me promise to keep my eyes open the entire ride and if I didn’t I’d go to Hell (legit, that’s what she said). I looked around not knowing WHAT this ride was but saw that there was “creepy” music, a freakin graveyard that my little 7 year old mind thought was  real and workers that looked like if I sceamed for help they sure as hell wouldn’t help me.

So I get on the ride, sharing a buggy with my mom and she’s like “look!” and I had my eyes covered SOBBING cause I was so scared. I knew at some point a ghost pops up behind you and the freakin narrator and his “and a ghost will follow you home” shit wasn’t helping. We met up with my brother who I think was with my dad or my other cousin and he was like, crying.

And I never spoke about that ride or EVER got back on it.

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Monday Mindful Manifestation

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Okay ya’ll, I know by now you probably see a theme in the affirmations I’m picking. I’m struggling through some stuff but I’m working on it. Or well, trying to. Writing has always been my therapy but I don’t feel safe or comfortable writing what I’m trying to get through. Besides, healing is a journey not a destination.

A few good things that happened this week (I have pictures this time)!

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Friday Finds (4)

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Am I the only one who absolutely loves reading posts like this? I got this idea from Lark & Linen’s Monday Musings and Joy The Baker’s Let It Be Sunday; two blogs I’ve been reading for what feels like FOREVER. I have to admit I look forward to both of these blog posts of theirs every week!

Then again I’m pretty much a sucker for all things round up post like. I know I love lists but dang, do I love them  that  much? The answer is yes, yes I do.

And because this is a  mental health blog (technically), I think I’ll add something I’m thankful for every week (I use to do weekly recap posts on my old old personal blog and I honestly miss doing them but I don’t think there’s an audience here for that). I need to sprinkle MORE positivity into my life (cause you can’t have too much, I hope)!

I usually only run errands on Sat (tbh it’s the ONLY DAY I get to get out of the house, no joke) but last Saturday I got to run them in one of my current favorite cities. It also turned into a foodie day of yummy Macarons, cupcakes, a new chicken place find and donuts that my husband and baby ate before I could even have one. So there’s that lol. But also this week I spent some time texting my childhood bff turned DOCTOR and of course it’s always a good week when my bff AJ can squeeze some time to call or you know, we align our days so that we’re both awake at the same time lol. Adulthood is hard, but the fact that my friends who are states away make me feel like I’m never alone really speaks volumes and I love them all to The Death Star and back!

ON TO THE LINKS;

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4 Reasons Why I Blog

I noticed I don’t really have many helpful posts on this blog which are things most people search for or are drawn to; me included! I love writing about my personal experiences and expressing myself but also I want to be able to  help people. One of my goals this year was to build a space for myself where I could open and freely talk about Postpartum Depression and I created a blog specifically for that. Maybe some day I’ll feel comfortable enough to share it across all my other media’s but for now, I’m still paranoid my in laws are stalking my stuff so… there’s that.

I’ve been blogging since 1999. I started on Opendiary then TeenOpenDiary (which is still one of my favorite platforms looking back) then moving on to LiveJournal, Xanga and DeadJournal. I also dabbled in the random LiveJournal-like blog platforms like Blurty (which I’m so sad shut down before I could download my entries) and the like. Then settled into BlogSpot for awhile. I also blogged on Vox which was a great platform and of course both WordPress.com and WordPress.org.

Originally I started a blog because I was tired of my mom reading my diary.

When I was around 6 my dad bought me one of those kid diaries where it came with a literal lock. My mom hated that. She was a bit controlling and extremely nosey when I was a kid and felt like she was entitled to read my diary since I lived in her house. And that’s something I constantly struggled with growing up. There were times the things I’d write in my diary got me in trouble. One particular one was where my brother had done something and I took the blame when it wasn’t my fault and how he gets away with everything. I was maybe 8 or 9 when I wrote that. And as I got older it got worse but in that specific time frame I got in so much trouble for just saying he gets away with everything.

Continue reading “4 Reasons Why I Blog”

“Make sure you take care of yourself,”

It’s officially been a year since the last time my dad called.

A year since the last time I heard his voice.

And it’s so hard to write this. I feel like my chest is going to cave in. The phone call was only about 4 mins long. I still have the call logged on my phone and I make sure it doesn’t get pushed off.

I use to get so annoyed when my dad called. Cause he’d always say the same thing. But he did also always ask how I was doing, I just hated telling him if something was wrong cause he was a massive worrier. I firmly believe if he was still here during this pandemic he would lose his shit. So I would dread picking up the phone.

And of course now that he’s gone I regret every single time I didn’t want to pick up the phone.

The thing about his passing is that from where I am it looked like it was something that happened overnight. My dad was constantly telling me he was “fine, just tired.” and suddenly he wasn’t okay and a few days later he was gone. Just like that. To my mom and brother it wasn’t overnight, but they were there with him. I wasn’t able to go to his funeral cause I had no idea he was having one until the day of.

My dad knows flying is painful for me (doesn’t stop me from flying and wouldn’t had stopped me from going to his funeral had I known about it) and that Tums was too small to fly yet. He was always worried that Tums might have what I have but tbh I messed up my own tissues.

Long story short: I stuck a peanut up my nose too far (my mom is an RN and I wouldn’t eat a lot as a kid and she said if I didn’t start eating she was going to feed me through my nose like her patients. She failed to mention WITH A TUBE.) so my mom had to take me to the hospital where they had to remove it. And in the process I had somehow messed up some tissue in that area. I was suppose to have surgery to fix it as a kid but that never happened. It just feels like my left ear specifically is going to burst out of my head when the plane lands, no biggie. Sometimes I can manage to “keep pressure out of it” and it won’t hurt as bad when the plane lands… but you know what, this is meant for another blog post.

So that’s why I wasn’t told about his funeral; because he didn’t want me or Tums to have to deal with that. But in exchange, I still haven’t said my goodbye’s. I still haven’t come to terms with the fact he’s gone and sometimes I’ll even forget. And think it’s been awhile since I texted him a photo of Tums (he LOVED getting photos and videos of Tums every single day); and I’ll remember he’s gone and it’s like that day all over again.

I’m seriously surprised I haven’t burst into tears yet writing this.

His death anniversary is coming up and I honestly don’t know how I’m not gonna lose my shit that day. August suddenly has become really really hard.

Sorry there isn’t any photos or anything, I just really needed to write.

“Never mind that, just make sure you take care of yourself,”

Monday Mindful Manifestation

This was actually a quote provided by Word Swag which is an app I use for tagging my photos or if I want to put text in an image. I love the font options and they also provide quotes.

This is one saying/quote I remember hearing in high school and it really struck me. I get that moving around isn’t everyone’s cup of coffee but it’s mine. I get that traveling isn’t everyone’s desire, but it’s mine and it always has been.

I never believed in staying in one place forever. Even as a child I dreamed of all the states I could move to and all the countries and cultures I could see and experience.

A lot of things didn’t happen. Some things took years to happen. And with this pandemic my soul just aches in a way I can’t explain; I miss getting on a plane. I miss experiencing new places and new things. And now it seems like all of that is lost.

So this week I want to remind myself that it isn’t lost, it’s just going to take some time. In the meantime, focus on here and now. On rebuilding your passions and teaching Tums to find hers. I’m also going to remind myself that traveling will be much more fun once she can walk on her own (and less tiring on me)!

I also want to remind myself that just because here isn’t where you want to be doesn’t mean you can’t look for new adventures. Wasn’t I the one who said adventure can be found anywhere?

I need to remind myself that it’s ok if things feel hard; but it’s not ok to stay there. At some point you gotta get up and find something to look forward to.

What is a thought or saying you’d like to remind yourself this week?