Mental Health — 2 Years Ago

I created this blog as a place where I could be as open and as transparent as I wanted about whatever I wanted to talk about — with that said there are a lot of things in the last 3 years I haven’t really expressed, shared or talked about because I just wasn’t in a place where I could and isn’t that strange? To have to suffer in silence for that many years?

Two years ago I was living with my boyfriend at the time who I had been dating for about a year and a half. We didn’t have a good relationship. We barely got along. I had been trying to break up with his since Easter after he had put his hands on me and slammed me on the couch with his hands around my throat screaming in my face.

Despite the many attempts I had tried to break up with him and kick him out, he just wasn’t listening. He’d start an argument with me and get more angry than me to appear threatening to get me to stop or shut up. We literally never resolved any problems we had — and we had A LOT.

On Memorial Day weekend his mom took us out for lunch and at the time I thought I had just been hit with really bad motion sickness. When we began dating I had been forced to stop taking anti anxiety meds cold turkey and since then my motion sickness had gone wayyy up so I figured it was just one of those moments.

Over a week it had stayed consistent along with dizziness. I couldn’t stomach very much food and even playing FFXIV would trigger my motion sickness.

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Mental Health: Medication Story

Bubba wanted me to write a very detailed and extensive blog post on OUR BLOG about my journey with anxiety and so parts ONE and TWO can be found there. I’ve debated on copying + pasting them here as well but I’m not sure…

With that said I’m jumping a bit ahead to the medication part of my story.

When I were first diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Anxiety in 2005 I refused medication; I figured if my brain had the ability to rewire itself, it had the ability to rewire itself back. I never assumed it would be easy, especially considering how intense my anxiety and anxiety attacks were back then. I went to group therapy every week and I went to one on one therapy once or twice a month until 2010.

Here’s the thing about therapy. It won’t work if you’re not ready. And if you’re not ready, that is totally fine. There’s no reason to rush a process that you’re not ready to dive in to. Just because you doesn’t mean you’ll beat this any faster than you plan to.

Working around and through your anxiety is a journey only YOU can take. Only YOU know your limits. And you should NEVER let SOMEONE ELSE direct that journey FOR YOU. Never feel like you’re disappointing someone by not getting over this at the speed they want you to get over it. YOU are NOT the disappointment, THEY are for pushing you beyond your comfort level.

Just had to throw that out there.

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Mental Health: & Music

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When I wrote yesterday’s entry I wasn’t aware that it was Mental Health Awareness Week. I feel like MHAW/MHAM come and go so often that it’s hard to keep track of these things. Not to mention in my world, Mental Health Awareness is pretty much an every day thing.

I feel like my life has all kinds of divides and chapters when I look back on it; from the time I was 13 until my anxiety full force kicked in at 20 I struggled HEAVILY with depression and suicide. I was constantly listening to music. CONSTANTLY. There was rarely ever a time I wasn’t playing music. Everything from DDR songs to 80’s Light Rock to Hip Hop to R&B to Slow Jams to Techno to Alternative.

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