Friday Blogtober Finds

This week has been weird. I’ve been without Sage for almost two weeks now. I ordered some from the Etsy store I usually get them from but for some reason they haven’t shipped yet. So that bit of my nightly routine has been missing and I’m super feeling it at this point. A super good friend of mine has been struggling with a nonstop migraine for almost 3 weeks now and I’m worried as hell. I wish there was a way I could help her. Through it all she’s still managed to be warm and sarcastic as always. I’m sending you so many good vibes Kay.

I’ve also been planning Christmas gifts for people in my life since I don’t want to be caught doing alla that last minute like I have been the last few years. Since we assume Tums is going to get a crap ton of toys from her grandparents on her dad’s side I’m trying to think of toys that will spark her imagination or books. But I’m seriously considering getting her a camera; she’s been fussing with my dSLR the last week. Including right now. As I type this.

I’m horrible at unpacking, seriously. Idk if it’s an OCD thing or what but just know, I’m absolutely horrible at unpacking! I still have to set up Tum’s side of the room and finish unpacking clothes and other things. Not much I can do about books right now until I settle on bookshelves. As well as a real computer chair so I can start filming book videos again. At least, I’m hoping to!

I’ve also got a ton of fun projects I’m excited to start on. Whenever I get done unpacking, cleaning and setting this place up. I’m aiming for before Thanksgiving.

I’ve been bookmarking things on MSN and Food52 like crazy without realizing just HOW CLOSE TO HALLOWEEN we already are. Where the heck did October go?! Moving in the beginning of the Fall season really throws my end-of-the-year routines off! I mean should I just put away the Fall decor now and start setting up for Christmas?! That being said I have a few links to share that’ll hopefully help you get in the Halloween mood; if you’re like me and it hasn’t exactly hit you yet.

Fall to me is cold dark rainy days, bowls of hot soup, fuzzy socks, pumpkin scents and movie marathons.

I’m sharing mostly food posts but hey, Halloween is also about food so there’s that;

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October Reading Challenge 2020

This post is sooo late, I know.

This post contains affiliate links used to support this blog, my daughters snack problem and coffee for one tired mama.

October is such a weird month for me this year; I’m trying to get back into the swing of the things I usually do since my meds allow me to think more clearly and more for myself. But with that I’m so overwhelmed with how much I’ve missed through out the last few years.

Healing is a journey, not a destination.

Something I try to remind myself whenever I feel myself “disappointed” with my lack of progress. But I’m starting to rebuild things, retry things and reapply for things. One being something that’s always been super important to me, my October Reading Challenge.

And tbh, writing this is a challenge all on it’s own with the baby trying to get on my lap then off my lap then on… CHILD I’M WRITING lol. My ORC has always been important to me because it’s the one month of the year I force myself to read all my “scarier” books. I’m such a wuss and anxiety/intrusive thoughts literally don’t make it any better but I LOVE reading scary/suspenseful books! I always have! I grew up reading Fear Street ONLY. And of alllll the books in that 90’s series, there was only one scary part I remember. It was one of the cheerleader series books; some cheerleaders sister was taking a shower and a ghost or whatever had turned her shower water too hot and killed her. As an adult now I have so many questions at how that was possible. But as a kid, I was freaked out lol.

I’ve found my favorite reads through this challenge over the years including Unspoken by Sarah Rees Brennan, Hex Hall by Rachel Hawkins, and Some Quiet Place by Kelsey Sutton and a ton of books I thought would be scary but I completely enjoyed like Amber House or The Ghost House or Vines.

October Reading Challenge 2020;

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Monday Mindfulness Manifestation

Me and my bro have been really close since day 1. He’s the first dude to stand up for me in the drop of a hat. Don’t matter if I’m wrong or right, he’s got my back, period. And in all the years I’ve known him, he’s always been there for me. Period. Also probably one of the only Pisces I get along with. We both have a tendency to move around a lot so we haven’t seen each other since… 2007 I wanna say? But conversations with him always feel like a recharge to my soul.

There are moments, days, weeks where my closest friends will do something or say something to remind me how much they truly love and care for me. How absolutely unconditional it is and always has been. And I know I tend to forget that sometimes. I never forget that I’m never ever alone but sometimes I do tend to forget that there are a lot of people who would miss me if I were gone.

Stay close to those who makes you feel like you’re easy to love

Because no one should ever be around energy and around people who make you feel like you’re worthless and not worthy of transparency, love and support. I have found myself in those places one too many times and every time it’s taken a toll on my mental, spiritual, emotional and even my physical health and that’s not okay.

This week I’ll remind myself that no matter where I think I am in life, no matter how behind I personally feel I am, that there are people in this world that still think I’m worthy of everything I dream about. That there are people who know my past, who have lived it WITH ME that never factor it into anything negative. Would never use it as a way to say I’m a bad mom. That there are people who KNOW how much I hated kids and are happy to see how my daughter makes me light up. And that my friends love her just as fiercely as I do.

Wishing you all a good week!

OCD & Me

I use to have a blog on Xanga called “OCD & Me” and when I was trying to navigate through this insane world that was my new normal; I’d write in there. A lot of it had to do with how my OCD bumped heads with my dad’s. But I wish that blog was still around.

It started when my ex brother in law stepped on the bed I had just took a nap on with his shoes on, not just that but he stepped all over the pillow with his shoes on. My ex brother in law had zero respect for anything or anyone for that matter so this wasn’t like, some off the way action but to witness it on a pillow you just slept on? Yeah, fuckin gross. That was the first night I went home and took a shower before I got in my own bed. And from there it just snowballed.

In 2004 there wasn’t much info on OCD, at all. There wasn’t much my therapist could tell me when I finally got help 2 years later either. The theory was that it could had been caused by a traumatic event; I had just gotten out of a fuckin crazy abusive relationship without actually facing/healing from it because I just didn’t know how so it made sense in a way. Small things started to bother me. The idea that something was “dirty” was becoming stronger and harder to make sense of.

I honestly thought OCD and people who crazy cleaned and saw things were drug addicts so I was so sure I wasn’t going through that. I was a 90’s kid, ok? All that DARE shit had people doing that shit which is really unfair. I spent hours and days researching as much as I could about what was happening to me because I literally had no idea what was going on. I don’t know why I didn’t just ask my mom who was a psych tech nurse. My ex husband (who was my bf at the time) will tell you that “if she had never looked it up it would had never been as bad as it got.” he would tell me that finding the things I did about it “solidified” that it was “a real thing”.

If there’s one solid thing my OCD has done for me it’s show how people really think and feel about you because of something you have zero control over. Which is crazy; people are so understanding about Cancer which can also go unseen but mental illness? Nah, they think that shit isn’t real or serious. I don’t get it but it’s a never ending fuckin pattern in my life.

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Gaming | Animal Crossing; Fall Edition

I completely missed out n the summer events. I’m not entirely sure why. I just didn’t feel like getting on for some reason. I think I was burned out from trying to make the perfect island and was frustrated with all my results.

I stumbled on a AC Twitter post on my feed a few weeks ago talking about the Fall update and how you can deck your island out with all this cute spooky pumpkin shit. And if there’s anything I’m obsessed with other than Fall it’s pumpkins and scarecrows. So I jumped back on and started planting pumpkins.

Now I want to keep my island in October FOREVER!

And yes, that rotten turnip has been there for months. The ants are my friends! Speaking of, I finally caught a dang house fly. You’d think that one would had been easy but no it took FOREVER to get them and only one showed up!

The Nooklings sell the Spooky Arch as well as the Lanterns with the hay but you can also craft them! So far it’s been a hit or miss with my villagers who are crafting if they’re crafting a Spooky item or another dang Cardboard Bed or some shit. I’m sure you can get them through balloons as well but I keep getting clothing and bells. Go figure.

Made a few changes to my house. Finally found a pathway I’m happy with for one. And I got the Spooky Scarecrow! If there’s one thing I love about Halloween besides the pumpkins and lights it’s definitely scarecrows! Enough that I love dressing up as one! I want to put more stuff that lights up without making the yard look cluttered but I don’t know what else to add!

I’m still waiting for the witchy dress to show up in my shop but I did get the hat! And of course my impatient ass keeps time traveling to find items and DIY’s.

I managed to catch a new Shrimp but I have yet to catch the Lobster and the Mermaid’s Purse. Diving was one of my favorite things about Animal Crossing New Leaf! I just hate how you can’t empty your pockets/let sea creatures go while in the ocean.

If you play ACNH how many pumpkin patches do you have on your island right now?

It’s OCD Awareness Week

It’s OCD Awareness Week

And ya’ll bout to be SICK of me by the time I’m done writing about OCD. I’ll try to be as transparent as I can be; but some of the things that happened when OCD started to creep into my life are things I haven’t fully faced yet. And from seeing signs of OCD when I was 19 to finally seeking help at 21 to 8 years of therapy just to accept meds at 29 to today is a lonnnng ride.

I guess I should start with the basics.

What is OCD?

OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is what it says it is. It’s an anxiety disorder that makes the person do things compulsively. They either do it because they think “something bad will happen if they don’t” or because they’re just compelled to. Your mind goes into this never ending loop. But OCD is not just “being clean/constantly cleaning” there’s a bunch of different types of OCD and they change and flow constantly.

I suffer from germaphobia and intrusive thoughts as well as hoarding. My dad struggled with certain types of paranoia and hardcore checking. He would often get up from sleeping just to unlock the front door, open it and lock it again. And make sure he locked it. He would do the same with lights. It drove me fuckin madd. But my OCD tendencies would drive him crazy and he refused to believe either of us had OCD. It was so freakin weird. My mom doesn’t have cleaning the way I do, but she does have “cleaning”. And she definitely has hoarding. Like something freakin fierce.

Credit to OCDdoodles on Twitter

According to Google OCD is described as;

Obsessivecompulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental disorder in which a person feels the need to perform certain routines repeatedly (called “compulsions“), or has certain thoughts repeatedly (called “obsessions“), to an extent which generates distress or impairs general functioning.

There are 5 types of OCD:

  • Checking
  • Contamination
  • Symmetry & Ordering
  • Intrusive Thoughts
  • Hoarding

The worst part is, one person can have one of these types or all five. These types can change and drop and pick up. But usually there’s one steady type that stays the same. The scariest thing to know is that while this illness can be “treated” it can’t be cured. People can work through their OCD with a lot of hard work, anxiety attacks and self control. But this condition can’t be cured by drugs. And even on medication, it’s not completely gone, just easier to manage.

The difference between OCD and “just wanting to be clean or organized” is that those with OCD sometimes do their compulsions without even knowing it. There have been many times where I’ve done or said something OCD before even thinking of saying/doing it. It’s something that is on my mind 24/7. There are times your OCD will tell you you didn’t clean or do something “well enough” or that because of your OCD you’re a burden to everyone around you. And then there are times you get hit with random anxiety attacks and sometimes it just feels like way too much.

I’ll admit that the majority of my suicidal moments in the last 10 years have to do with OCD and the things it tells me.

And that feeds into my anxiety which feeds into my OCD and it’s this never ending fuckin cycle. And if you don’t know how to cope you’re in for a whirlwind of very intense emotions that can last anywhere from minutes to hours. When my anxiety attacks started it usually ended with me crying. Now a days I HAVE to go to sleep because I’m just so spent. So I do whatever I can to stay away from triggers and to prevent anything from “messing up”.

I’m going to try and spend this week talking about my experience, the ways I’ve learned to cope and all the things I’ve lost since being diagnosed with OCD. And I’m hope by the end of the week you’ll have a better understanding of what it all is.

Whew, I can feel the migraines now lol.

It’s Monday, What Are You Reading?

This post includes affiliate links.

I know I said I was going to start book blogging on Readarella again; but I didn’t really have a MMM topic to think about this week. And I’m feeling super behind on my October TBR (which I still haven’t even finished that blog post yet either) so I figured this would push me to read more this week. My October Challenge is what usually introduces me to my next favorite book or series and after the last few years lacking in reading I’m really hoping this year I can try to build it all back up.

My TBR is never ending as it is, so why did I rejoin NetGalley and request books for review? Cause I’m clearly on some bullshit lol. Maybe running from demons I can’t identify at the moment. A sure way to tell is compulsive shopping or taking on another 5 projects.

But I also seem to always push myself the hardest in Fall/October. And without being able to decorate for Fall how I want to because of the move and replacing things I guess I decided to just jump into more projects.

That’s anxiety for you; half the time you don’t know what the hell you’re doing, your soul is just doing its own thing and you’re like “oh ok, I guess this is what we’re doing this week,”

This week I’m trying to work through a few books;

Continue reading “It’s Monday, What Are You Reading?”

Friday Blogtober Finds

Fall is my favorite season. I wait all year for it. But this year… I’m not as excited as I thought I would be. I wouldn’t say SAD has made an appearance but other things in my life have been getting me down. And I know I should be super excited right now. I moved into a new place that I love everything about (except for the lack of elevator). I’m working towards making my apartment as zen as possible. There’s a freakin Starbucks across the street and I can see a 711 from my window (you know what that means? SNACKS FOR DAYS). But I just feel like there’s something holding me back from being me. And I’ve felt this for awhile but it seems like right now it feels so much more heavier than usual. And I don’t know how to ease it or make this feeling go away. I just… suddenly feel like I can’t relax or be myself in my own home almost. Or that who I am isn’t “acceptable”.

This week I’ve been spending more time on Mozilla Pocket. I don’t know if this was always a thing but I just now stumbled on it. So if you like bookmarking interesting articles I’d suggest you check it out! I’ve also been spending a lot of time scrolling through Food52. I hope you all are having an amazing week and that it’s cooling down wherever you are!

On to the links;

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3 Zen Things I Added To My Room

I’m not sure if my room now is bigger or smaller than my previous — I’m gonna go with smaller simply because there isn’t room in here for a play pen or a jumper like there was in the last. Yet the last room had an open closet concept so there was that whereas this new room has the closet on the other side of the bathroom. Which imo is kind of awkward. And a bitch to vacuum cause then I gotta carry it OVER the hardwood floor and it’s just a big thing. But the closet is freakin huge.

I’ve always wanted to zen out my room and over the years I’ve tried. But nothing really clicked with me or the ideas I had didn’t turn out exactly as I had imagined them and I got discouraged. But this time I was SUPER determined, especially considering Tums now has her own room/space so she doesn’t need to crowd up mine! She still co-sleeps cause at this point there just is no turning back from that.

I spotted this floor light at Target and fell in love with it; I love how it has shelving underneath. I just wish it had more shelving. But I knew I wanted a floor lamp after the bedroom light in the last apartment blew out and we were without a bedroom light for months other than fairy lights. Plus I haven’t had a floor light since the movers lost mine on the way to Texas from Florida back in 2017. This floor light is what inspired me to think of other elements that would create a more zen feel in my bedroom.

I also knew I wanted to get a smaller salt lamp. I have others from my mom that are a bit bigger. This one just has a color changing bulb inside which is why it looks blue. You can’t set it to one color or turn off the color changing aspect which kinda blows. But it fits perfect on that shelf.

I spotted this new line of “luxury” products in the bedding section at Target. They had candles, these, throws, sleeping masks a whole line of cozy stuff! I opted for the diffusers (even though I literally don’t get how they work) and 2 room sprays. I kind of wish I had gotten Tranquility in a room spray. I’m trying to stay away from getting more candles atm. As luxury as this line looks, it wasn’t expensive. The sprays were $10 which is still cheaper than Bath & Body Works and I think the diffusers were the same price. As well as the candles.

I ended up moving the diffusers to the bathroom where they seem to fit more for, just wish the scent throw was stronger. And in its place I put a wax melt warmer. I have yet to snap a pic of the new set up.

I haven’t done much with the second shelf just yet. It has my bowl of earrings but that’s about all. I had some décor to put on the TV whenever I get it back from my husband — if I do. His big screen somehow broke in the move. Idk man. I really don’t. So now he’s using my TV in the living room. Which I said was fine for now since me and Tums don’t spend all day in the room like we use to.

I tried getting the night stand that matched my headboard but they were sold out. So either I wait for it to come back in stock or I find a different one. The only problem is how am I going to match it based on a picture online? I mean, granted THIS ONE literally doesn’t match ANYTHING in this room but you know. I’m being picky.

I finally put up the wireless charger I’ve had since I got home from giving birth. Yeah I know. And I freakin love it! You can’t tell but it’s rose gold on the sides. I got it on Amazon here if you’re interested. I also got an Alexa Echo Show which I didn’t know was a thing and it was on sale when I spotted it! So yay, even better! I wanted the Echo Dot that had the screen on it but I guess that was like an older version of this one. And this one was cheaper. It’s exactly what I wanted; Alexa with a screen to show me the time and weather. The husband uses it as an alarm clock and you know, it has all the usual Alexa features.

My dad actually gave me the Echo Dot I have that currently lives in the living room/kitchen. And we’ve been obsessed with it! We use it for almost everything. I use it for music alllllll the time and I just discovered you can install “skills”. So I have a bunch of Tagalog ones on mine!

I’m trying to figure out how I want to set up the dresser. It has a few things on it but I feel like they don’t really go. So I’m gonna redo it. Maybe when I get the TV back and I get a better idea of how much space I have.

So far I’m really happy with how my room is coming together. I just have to keep working at it and not get discouraged if I can’t figure anything out. I’m really trying to avoid falling into my usual discouraged hole!

Do you have any objects in your room that gives you a sense of Zen?

My Dear Sophie;

I guess I can use blogtober as an excuse to write more about my every day life like I want to… but never do cause well, my every day life isn’t all that interesting.

I’ve had my cat Sophie for 5 years. She was a 30th birthday/divorce gift from my mom. I stumbled on her randomly when I was roaming around PetSmart and I refused to leave the store without her. My mom and ex husband tried to talk me out of it because she was 10 years old. And they kept suggesting I get a kitten. But when people say pets choose their owners I absolutely believed it in that moment. I have no idea why I loved Sophie at first sight, but I did. I learned she had been in that adoption center for 3 years, the lady who ran the independent adoption company was so excited to hear that someone wanted to take Sophie in.

I drove from Orlando to Tampa every Wednesday for 3 weeks to visit her until I was able to save up enough money to take her home. Btw, I’m allergic to cats. And there are times when touching Sophie makes my hands swell, but she’s worth it.

Over the last 5 years we’ve moved 9 times. Between 4 cities and 2 states.

Continue reading “My Dear Sophie;”