Monday Mindful Manifestation

It’s moving week.

I move every year. Don’t ask me why, it’s just a thing I do. A thing I’m use to. The one obvious proof I clearly have commitment issues. I have moved every year since 2011; that’s almost 10 years of moving and I’ve never renewed a lease. There’s too many other places and areas to discover! I don’t do well with staying in one place for too long.

You’d think with knowing this I’d be PRO at packing and unpacking right? Hell no. Not even close. I feel like every year I have even MORE stuff than the last time I had to pack/move. I guess now that I have a toddler that doesn’t really make anything better either. And even worse is we haven’t even started packing yet. I don’t know what is going on but I’m definitely disappointed in myself.

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Sage & Chill: 5 Reasons You Should Sage Cleanse

It took me forever to catch this but I’m so glad I did.

My cousin has been bugging me to Sage Cleanse for maybe a year or two now. Ever since he started doing it. In March my BFF sent me Sage along with my Disney snack “because we both need good vibes after 2019,” I finally gave it a try about a month (or less) ago. And I’ve been obsessed since. Honestly, the first time I did a whole apartment Sage Cleanse I got really sleepy and hungry. My cousin was like “yeah girl, that’s all those bad vibes getting the hell out.”

Since then I picked up this one with Lavender from Etsy, and honestly, I’m almost done. It’s been so fun watching the fire ignite even more when you blow on it because of the dried Lavender. Wouldn’t recommend if you have a problem seeing holes; I don’t remember what it was called. I’ve noticed that when I do Sage I don’t get these mini anxiety attacks I usually get in my nightly bath. I’m usually more relaxed then I’ve been in a very long while. And I sleep better. I also like the smell of Sage… it’s kind of comforting.

I don’t know why I took so long to try Sage Cleansing, but I really wish I had started sooner.

5 Reasons Why You Should Sage Cleanse;

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Monday Mindful Manifestation

I’m drafting this post a little later than usual; this weekend was hectic. And I’m just tired, like in my soul. Not to mention whoever said period cramps go away after childbirth LIED. I feel like the pain has been getting worse and worse every month. I’ve been really into Sage cleansing, so much that the Lavender Smudge Stick I just got is almost done. Just wish it didn’t shed so much!

This week I want to focus on the things I can control.

I’m such a huge believer in the law of attraction, it’s just lately my mind has been cloudy and distracted. I have a set of things I’d like to manifest and make happen within the next year or so; one being finishing my BA studies (just one dinky year left) and another is growing this blog. I get so caught up between this one and hazearella and I get things mixed up but I need to set a solid posting topic for them both and stick to it.

I created this blog to brain dump my mental health posts, I didn’t feel it belonged on hazearella since the theme has always been pink and girly things. I found myself reviewing things more there and talking less and less about my life. I’ve tried to change that a few times but it’s hard when stick yourself in a box. It does seem that my posts about Texas do well there ironically?! Whereas here I was free to talk about gaming, Funko Pops (even though I haven’t yet), Disney, books, anime and my own demons.

It’s National Suicide Prevention Month and when I first started this blog I did a whole series dedicated to the hobbies I throw myself into when I’m trapped in a depression spiral. I’ve thought of redoing the series, so maybe this year I’ll do just that!

So here’s my public throwing-this-out-in-the-universe notice that this week I’ll focus more on the things I want to manifest than the things I haven’t gotten done yet.

Wish me luck, this is going to be a challenge!

What is something you want to manifest this week or month?

National Suicide Prevention Week

I’ve always been pretty vocal when it came to National Suicide Prevention Week. Or The Lines Project. I worked on To Write Love On Her Arms street team for years long before I even moved to Florida.

Suicide in the recent years have become more of a public issue than it ever was. Claiming the lives of Robin Williams and Chester from Linkin Park. And yet people still refuse to change the conversation or even have the conversation. And as long as their a stigma to it, the problem will never be solved.

I was 13 when I leaned my head back against the wall during lunch with my two best friends at the time; Amanda and Raven. I blurted out “sometimes I just want to die.” Raven thought that was a weird thing to say and Amanda just slightly nodded. I was always painted the fuck up in the family. It didn’t matter what I did, said or tried to fix things. There was always something that made someone mad. There was always something that made someone feel to compelled to tell me, a small child, that I wasn’t smart enough. That I wasn’t going to make it. That I was a failure. And so I kept those word burned in my ears for a very very long time. I slept in class frequently in middle school and high school. I just didn’t care.

What was there to care about when everyone thought you were a fuck up anyway?

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Monday Mindful Manifestation

I stumbled on this quote on Pinterest last week. I’m not sure if this is actually something I can manifest but it’s something I can definitely consider. Well I guess I could manifest it too.

I use to be a pretty open book; I don’t add people to my FB unless I know them or know I can trust them. When I added my in laws my mom told me to either delete them or to stop talking about my mental health. She was afraid they’d think I was crazy. I told her not to worry and they don’t judge like that. Not to mention one of my husband’s sisters works in mental health.

What I didn’t know was that they were pretty selective lurkers. It seems like they’d catch a gist of my post but now the whole thing. So in January when his mom and sisters targeted me, his adopted sister in law and his adopted brother in law, his bio sister who works in mental health and his mom had a lot to say about my mental health. Saying I was full of shit and I was crazy and basically everything my mom warned me about.

Granted this is the second time in laws have done this to me.

Don’t you just hate when your mom is right?!

But there are so many of my friends that message me thanking me for being so honest and transparent about the things I struggle with because it helps them feel less alone. Because it helped them sort out their own feelings about a similar situation. And I end most of these posts on a positive note.

Ever since I was diagnosed with OCD, depression and mild anxiety I wanted to change the conversation. I hated how my ex husband thought I was “making it up”. I hated how hard it was to find info on OCD and anxiety back then (think the days before Google). I read every article I could find, every book. To try and understand why this was happening to me. If it was cureable. If it would ever go away.

How could your brain just break and how do you unbreak it?

I didn’t like how alone I felt, and I don’t want anyone else to feel alone. Anxiety is already a very unkind friend living in your head. Just be fuckin kind to other people. I’m pretty sensitive when someone attacks me because of my anxiety. And I’m most likely going to cut them off forever because they are literally not my type of my people and definitely not my audience.

Because of this I have scaled back on posting on FB at all. I don’t even know the last time I posted a picture of the kiddo. And tbh, that’s unfair to my mom.

So I could remind myself that writing about what hurts helps people.

And all I ever want to do is make people feel less alone. Less misunderstood. It’s just so hard to write when I’m constantly wondering if they’re lurking my stuff for more shit to talk about me. And yes, it shouldn’t matter. But it makes me so uncomfortable.

Last time this happened it was the final straw that made us consider a divorce, it got so bad I tried filing for a restraining order against my then mother in law and sister in law.

But this is something I struggle with every day and it fuckin sucks.

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Resurfaced situations suck. There’s no way around that. And despite how respectful or kind you are to someone; they can still belittle, disrespect and drag your name across the mud and the reality is there’s nothing you can do about it. I always say “people will be people,” as in, they’ll always be who they ARE regardless of their situations, environment’s or the kindness they get from others.

But knowing this doesn’t help that I get anxiety over certain things. That I sit up wondering why someone doesn’t like me if I’ve never done anything to them. And this is something that’s haunted me pretty much my whole life. People won’t like me because of a third party source. I grew up in a place where people wouldn’t like you because they wanted your man. They didn’t like you BECAUSE you were “too nice”. So growing up with that constant reminder made me super guarded.

But when people who trust do it to you; it’s a whole different kind of hurt and anger. Despite knowing these people are just who they are and best thing you can do is put distance between you and them. Some people will never be honest, will never own up to why they did something to hurt you. And that SHOULD be none of your business in the sense that holding on to something expecting an answer only hurts you. And not at all them.

There are a lot of things in life we can’t control. But the things we can control; like how we react to situations. The fights we show up for. Not letting bitter people make you bitter as well. Finding your own peace. Are things we should spend more time and energy on. I know it’s easier said than done, I literally have to actively choose the road of positivity. While you seem to just auto cruise on the road of negativity. But it’s another thing that’s mainly a journey and not a destination.

So this week I will focus on the things I CAN control and not give so much time to the things I CAN’T control.

What do you hope to manifest for yourself this week?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

Annnd I’m back!

This week has been a bit of a blur; I did manage to finish some books which is always good but now I’ve dove into the never ending hole of ooh let’s add this to the wishlist crap. I still have high hopes I’ll finish a few more of my Fall TBR so I can move on to a few retellings in September.

I’m going to save the small weekly recap part of this post for the end because the photos came out a bit larger than I expected.

I have a tendency to do this; I dream big and I plan big and tbh some people find that uncomfortable or outside of THEIR comfort zone and project that on to ME making me feel like my plans, goals or ideas are too big and honestly who gets to say that about someone else’s life? Ironically I’ve found that the people who’ve never chased a dream, had a BIG idea or moved away/refuse to move away from their comfort zone are the exact people who will make you feel like you’re wrong.

It’s hard to know who these people are because they can be anyone in your life without you even knowing it. And if it’s someone whos opinion you value, it’ll influence you to rethink your goals. And honestly that’s not going to help anyone. I’ve learned that suppressing your dreams to make someone else comfortable kills a part of yourself.

I need to realize that it doesn’t matter WHO someone IS in my life, if they have the audacity to make me feel small knowing that I DREAM BIG (always have, always will) then they’re not the people I need to be speaking to.

I try to surround myself with like-minded people and people who are either on their way to where I want to be or who have been there. It helps to surround yourself around people who have the same goals as you, to bounce idea’s off of or just to talk to and vent to on the day it seems like a lot.

This is my intention for the week; to remember that not everyone wants to see you win. And that’s fine, just make sure to not let those people get you down.

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Monday Mindful Manifestation

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Okay ya’ll, I know by now you probably see a theme in the affirmations I’m picking. I’m struggling through some stuff but I’m working on it. Or well, trying to. Writing has always been my therapy but I don’t feel safe or comfortable writing what I’m trying to get through. Besides, healing is a journey not a destination.

A few good things that happened this week (I have pictures this time)!

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4 Reasons Why I Blog

I noticed I don’t really have many helpful posts on this blog which are things most people search for or are drawn to; me included! I love writing about my personal experiences and expressing myself but also I want to be able to  help people. One of my goals this year was to build a space for myself where I could open and freely talk about Postpartum Depression and I created a blog specifically for that. Maybe some day I’ll feel comfortable enough to share it across all my other media’s but for now, I’m still paranoid my in laws are stalking my stuff so… there’s that.

I’ve been blogging since 1999. I started on Opendiary then TeenOpenDiary (which is still one of my favorite platforms looking back) then moving on to LiveJournal, Xanga and DeadJournal. I also dabbled in the random LiveJournal-like blog platforms like Blurty (which I’m so sad shut down before I could download my entries) and the like. Then settled into BlogSpot for awhile. I also blogged on Vox which was a great platform and of course both WordPress.com and WordPress.org.

Originally I started a blog because I was tired of my mom reading my diary.

When I was around 6 my dad bought me one of those kid diaries where it came with a literal lock. My mom hated that. She was a bit controlling and extremely nosey when I was a kid and felt like she was entitled to read my diary since I lived in her house. And that’s something I constantly struggled with growing up. There were times the things I’d write in my diary got me in trouble. One particular one was where my brother had done something and I took the blame when it wasn’t my fault and how he gets away with everything. I was maybe 8 or 9 when I wrote that. And as I got older it got worse but in that specific time frame I got in so much trouble for just saying he gets away with everything.

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