Monday Mindful Manifestation

Monday Mindful Manifestation

There’s nothing more discouraging than the holidays and seeing your blog stats drop.

I mean, I’m sure there are more discouraging events that are far worse but for me, in this moment, I’m struggling.

I have a serious love/hate relationship with Winter days and nights. I’ve always had pretty good memories of winter living at my mom’s house. It’s like the whole place was transformed into something cozy and filled with whatever that warm fuzzy holiday family feeling was. Lit candles, snacks and tree lights. But Christmas has never really been my favorite holiday. I’ve always preferred December to Christmas. I try to recreate the atmosphere my mom effortlessly did every single year, but I always feel like I fall short.

I also get seasonal depression, even with the warm fuzzy family feelings. And I never knew why or how. I mean I spent a lot of my child and teen hood battling depression but it got so much worse in the winter. It’s easier to manage now, and more annoying than anything when it comes back.

When it comes to blogging, there’s a ton of factors when things don’t work out. I need to take a step back and re-evaluate my content, my marketing, and find time through out the day to get everything I need to get done.

This week I want to manifest the reminder of my 3 year plan. The reminder that I’m capable of accomplishing anything I set my heart on. I’ve proved it to myself so many times through out the years. I CAN do this, I just have to WANT to. I need to remember to let go of petty small distractions; including my own thoughts. We’re creeping up to the last month of 2020; let’s see what I can accomplish in the next 31 days if I 100% put my mind to it!

What is something you’d like to manifest for yourself this week?

Self Care | Coloring Books

Self Care | Coloring Books

I honestly don’t remember how or why I came across adult coloring books but I thought they were such a cool idea; esp since I had still been buying Disney ones from work. I read it was suppose to serve as a type of meditation. It was 2015 and I was in a stressful place. So I used the coloring books as my moment of silence. I invested in colored pencils, pens and paint. I’d spread it all out on the floor and just do whatever I felt like doing. And it was so theraputic.

When I moved to Texas I started up again for awhile, I always mean to finish my books but sometimes it just feels like so much work — I get obsessed with the idea of completing things but I rarely ever do. I’ll finish this book some day!

I recently got a new iPad to learn how to draw with Procreate. But I ended up downloading a bunch of coloring books and trying them all out. The one I settled with is called Pigment. They have “books” by various artists. They host challenges and there’s an awesome sense of community there. I honestly wasn’t interested in getting follows and likes, I’m just there to color when I can’t sleep or to get my mind off things. And browsing other peoples versions of the same page; that part is always interesting!

I love doing blends and textures and shading. I’m still learning as I go but the options they give you on this app to create texture is really fun to play with. The girl with the arrow on the right was my first grayscale I colored. It was super hard but trying to make the elements around her look realistic was fun to play with.

Also shading the ice cream bowl and the milkshake cup on the left came out better than I expected. The whole page did actually! My husband didn’t like the cloud page; he didn’t understand why I colored “outside of the lines”. I think that’s the fun part about anything creative: it’s subjective. There is no right or wrong answer.

I’m still trying to find hobbies that calm me. I found watching a show while coloring in bed helps. I don’t the luxury of always being able to do this though, which kinda sucks.

I watched a few more episodes of Emily in Paris and I was mass live messaging a former co-worker who’s from Paris since he finished the series so far. Sorry Cyril, I had a lot to say lmao. I also started the second season of Great Greek Myths, hate you had to pay for the last few episodes of the first season. But I’m finding the more I watch this… the more and more Athena and Aphrodite are my least favorite. Athena has got some weird problems man. Also, I’m finding I was wrong about Paris of Troy, and I’m mad about it cause I still think he’s a big ass bitch. And of course nothing beats binge watching FRIENDS when you’re having a sick day.

I also finally finished the Shades of Kawaii book!

I’m having a lot of fun testing my creativity while still actively meditating in the process. I have to admit, there are a few nights I may have sleep colored a page cause there’s a few I really do not remember completing lol.

I had my sights set on an anime coloring book next but the second page had me stumped and I’ve deleted my progress at least 3 times. Maybe I’ll come back to it, who knows.

Have you tried adult coloring books?

Monday Mindful Manifestation

It’s getting closer and closer to the end of the year; which means shorter days. Chaos. ALL THE GIFT WRAPPING. And if you live away from home, trying to figure out when to hit the post office before everyone else plans to.

The last 2 weeks have been a bust on so many blog/reading/cleaning plans. Readjusting to medication always sucks and there’s always something new that happens it seems. I don’t remember the first time I went through this anything like this. Then again I didn’t have an active toddler to watch last time and had the luxury of sleeping all day. If that’s what I wanted.

I am however 98% done with my Christmas shopping; I just need to wrap, address, stick in a box and SHIP. But even I think it’s a bit too early to ship. Maybe this weekend, since it’ll be closer to Thanksgiving and I know that’s when most Filipino’s put up their Christmas tree’s. Speaking of Thanksgiving I still haven’t found a dessert I want to make! Bubba got me a kitchenaid (FINALLY) and now I can bake ALL THE THINGS I WANT but now it’s like my mind went blank and I don’t know what to do. Something similar happened when a friend of mine got me Photoshop 7.0 back in the day. I sat there with an empty new document for what felt like DAYS. My ex husband would stare at me like “your mind is just exploding isn’t it?” and I’d just sit there staring at my screen whimpering lol.

I have a few fun things bookmarked but nothing that really screams Thanksgiving.

Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Pexels.com

Remember to rest.

Sometimes I feel like I spend too much time resting. Even though I don’t sleep through the night and I refuse to take naps. I almost feel guilty taking naps. Like there’s so much to do/get done that I can’t nap. And whatever, that’s fine. But I do need to remind myself to rest. Be it setting aside some time to just read. Or color in a coloring book. Or binge watching a show I’ve already seen. Whatever my definition of “doing nothing” means, I need to make more time to do just that.

And with the holidays coming it would be best to remember that now before the crazy starts.

Hope you all had a good weekend and have a good week!

Word Vomit | Mental Health Update

Why does it have to be so hard to find a mental health resource?! Since the last update I finally managed to find a psychiatrist (cause those are the ones who give you meds) but not from the list provided to me from my insurance company. I actually had to find one via Psychology Today’s website. Yes, like the magazine. So thank goodness for that but at the same time… what in the actual FUCK?! Why would my insurance company send me on this never ending run around?!

Photo by Madison Inouye on Pexels.com

As you can see, the last week on this blog has been pretty quiet. Same with Twitter. I’ve just been struggling with my mental health and with being tired and with awful headaches/migraines. November is always pretty stressful and crammed for me but it’s harder to get these things done with a clingy toddler to watch at the same time. I have due dates for things and I have no idea how I’m going to get them done.

Speaking of; the decrease in my meds has been really messing me up, big time. Since my OBGYN said she couldn’t give me refills anymore for my Zoloft I’ve had to decrease from 150mg to 100mg to prevent going without for as long as I can. But because of this my mental clarity is starting to fog back up, I can’t remember words again, my excitement and inspiration is gone. And I’m just so sad. I feel like I’m on the brink of a sloppy sob fest any fuckin minute now.

I’m honestly so sick of being incapable of doing the things that use to be so simple to me pre-pregnancy.

/edit

I had my psych appointment and it went super well. Do I recommend tele-webcam-health? Not really. Connection issues can really mess up the flow of the conversation. I would had much rather had a telephone appt. But I did get the help I needed and I am on the waitlist for an actual therapist as well. So. Progress, yay.

Continue reading “Word Vomit | Mental Health Update”

Word Vomit | Finding a Therapist…. again

Just a brief back story;

About a year ago my mother in law attacked me on Facebook saying I was a bad mom cause I had dreams and mother’s shouldn’t have dreams; she should either give up her dreams or give up her child. This COMPLETELY came as a surprise to me considering she had been so supportive prior to this. I was dealing with trying to cope with postpartum depression and the loss of my dad. My husband spent years stressing that his family will always accept you but once again my gut was screaming “told you so,” for trusting any of that mess. She went on to attack my 2 close friends who were defending me, respectfully by cussing them out. Yes, this grown ass adult woman was opening saying “fuck you” to 20 year old’s who didn’t even dare to cuss at her back. And tbh, that said a lot about my mother in law’s character. I realized A LOT that day.

My depression spiraled beyond me trying to even both controlling it anymore that day. I was just so tired of fighting it. No one cared anyway. Everyone apparently had something shitty to say about “my behavior”. I’m so lucky that the real support system I have, and have had for the last 20+ years are always there when I need them, no matter how near or far. It was the first time I ever let my PPD get away with thoughts of hurting my child. It was the first time I thought if I got rid of her, everyone could just leave me the hell alone.

And that was unfair to her. My child was there for me when I lost my dad. When I didn’t want to do anything but lay in bed all day and cry. She would squeeze my hand and make me laugh. I’m just so freakin sick of people who refuse to get to know me and have the audacity to drag who I am. And this is why I didn’t want to get married again. I didn’t want to deal with shitty in laws again. I already went through a whole freakin decade of that shit, I refuse to waste any more time with it.

My spiral got really bad and I felt like the little progress I made to heal was just undone in that one day. So I called an OBGYN and requested to be evaluated for Postpartum Depression.

Continue reading “Word Vomit | Finding a Therapist…. again”

Monday Mindful Manifestation

It’s so cold today and it’s gloomy and raining. But so far I haven’t seen any lightning or heard any thunder and I LIVE for that on rainy days. Maybe later. Or tomorrow. Who knows, it’s Texas after all. I’ve been trying to get Sophie to stay out of the office this morning and Tums keeps wedging herself between us saying “no, no!” she’s so protective over her fur-sister it’s insane. Insanely adorable.

I finally got my Sage in last week. Thank goodness. It’s crazy how something like that could change your entire night time routine and your mental health. I need to be better at keeping Sage around. I still need to work on cleaning, sorting and organizing the office and some of the living room. I just don’t know where I want things to go just yet. And I also need to find a dish or something for my crystals.

It totally slipped my mind that Halloween is this week. I feel like I didn’t even get a chance to enjoy October yet! There’s no pumpkin patch photos or anything with us this year and I’m trying not to be disappointed. The most I can do is be better at prepping for Christmas. Even if Halloween is my favorite, there’s always next year…

I have a few exciting projects I can’t wait to get started on; both will be pushing my creative boundaries which I haven’t done in SUCH a long time. One will be using my love for candles and wax melts as well as incorporating scents into memories and the other will be using the culinary skills I learned almost 20 years ago that I should had been using this whole time. That part is gonna be the harder one.

November is also NaNoWriMo and I’ve written the beginning of the book I’ll be working on this year. It’s not another retelling, it’s not fairy tales and it’s not really YA either. It’s more like something I feel like I have to write about and I have to get out of my system.

I’m big on starting heavy projects and being all excited about them and suddenly just stopping randomly because I get discouraged. The only thing I so far haven’t quit on is blogging and photography. I’m trying to be better at not quitting before I start and not getting discouraged so easily.

Luckily the longer I take my Zoloft (I’m on a much lower dose than I was on the first time 5 years ago) the more I can feel my brain fog lifted. The more I can feel my creativity coming back and wanting to be used. And it’s been such a long time since I’ve felt like that. Now if only I can get my financial shit in order I’d be so set.

This week I want to manifest and remind myself that I’m capable of all the things I dream of doing and accomplishing.

What’s something you’re looking to manifest this week?

Monday Mindfulness Manifestation

Me and my bro have been really close since day 1. He’s the first dude to stand up for me in the drop of a hat. Don’t matter if I’m wrong or right, he’s got my back, period. And in all the years I’ve known him, he’s always been there for me. Period. Also probably one of the only Pisces I get along with. We both have a tendency to move around a lot so we haven’t seen each other since… 2007 I wanna say? But conversations with him always feel like a recharge to my soul.

There are moments, days, weeks where my closest friends will do something or say something to remind me how much they truly love and care for me. How absolutely unconditional it is and always has been. And I know I tend to forget that sometimes. I never forget that I’m never ever alone but sometimes I do tend to forget that there are a lot of people who would miss me if I were gone.

Stay close to those who makes you feel like you’re easy to love

Because no one should ever be around energy and around people who make you feel like you’re worthless and not worthy of transparency, love and support. I have found myself in those places one too many times and every time it’s taken a toll on my mental, spiritual, emotional and even my physical health and that’s not okay.

This week I’ll remind myself that no matter where I think I am in life, no matter how behind I personally feel I am, that there are people in this world that still think I’m worthy of everything I dream about. That there are people who know my past, who have lived it WITH ME that never factor it into anything negative. Would never use it as a way to say I’m a bad mom. That there are people who KNOW how much I hated kids and are happy to see how my daughter makes me light up. And that my friends love her just as fiercely as I do.

Wishing you all a good week!

OCD & Me

I use to have a blog on Xanga called “OCD & Me” and when I was trying to navigate through this insane world that was my new normal; I’d write in there. A lot of it had to do with how my OCD bumped heads with my dad’s. But I wish that blog was still around.

It started when my ex brother in law stepped on the bed I had just took a nap on with his shoes on, not just that but he stepped all over the pillow with his shoes on. My ex brother in law had zero respect for anything or anyone for that matter so this wasn’t like, some off the way action but to witness it on a pillow you just slept on? Yeah, fuckin gross. That was the first night I went home and took a shower before I got in my own bed. And from there it just snowballed.

In 2004 there wasn’t much info on OCD, at all. There wasn’t much my therapist could tell me when I finally got help 2 years later either. The theory was that it could had been caused by a traumatic event; I had just gotten out of a fuckin crazy abusive relationship without actually facing/healing from it because I just didn’t know how so it made sense in a way. Small things started to bother me. The idea that something was “dirty” was becoming stronger and harder to make sense of.

I honestly thought OCD and people who crazy cleaned and saw things were drug addicts so I was so sure I wasn’t going through that. I was a 90’s kid, ok? All that DARE shit had people doing that shit which is really unfair. I spent hours and days researching as much as I could about what was happening to me because I literally had no idea what was going on. I don’t know why I didn’t just ask my mom who was a psych tech nurse. My ex husband (who was my bf at the time) will tell you that “if she had never looked it up it would had never been as bad as it got.” he would tell me that finding the things I did about it “solidified” that it was “a real thing”.

If there’s one solid thing my OCD has done for me it’s show how people really think and feel about you because of something you have zero control over. Which is crazy; people are so understanding about Cancer which can also go unseen but mental illness? Nah, they think that shit isn’t real or serious. I don’t get it but it’s a never ending fuckin pattern in my life.

Continue reading “OCD & Me”

It’s OCD Awareness Week

It’s OCD Awareness Week

And ya’ll bout to be SICK of me by the time I’m done writing about OCD. I’ll try to be as transparent as I can be; but some of the things that happened when OCD started to creep into my life are things I haven’t fully faced yet. And from seeing signs of OCD when I was 19 to finally seeking help at 21 to 8 years of therapy just to accept meds at 29 to today is a lonnnng ride.

I guess I should start with the basics.

What is OCD?

OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is what it says it is. It’s an anxiety disorder that makes the person do things compulsively. They either do it because they think “something bad will happen if they don’t” or because they’re just compelled to. Your mind goes into this never ending loop. But OCD is not just “being clean/constantly cleaning” there’s a bunch of different types of OCD and they change and flow constantly.

I suffer from germaphobia and intrusive thoughts as well as hoarding. My dad struggled with certain types of paranoia and hardcore checking. He would often get up from sleeping just to unlock the front door, open it and lock it again. And make sure he locked it. He would do the same with lights. It drove me fuckin madd. But my OCD tendencies would drive him crazy and he refused to believe either of us had OCD. It was so freakin weird. My mom doesn’t have cleaning the way I do, but she does have “cleaning”. And she definitely has hoarding. Like something freakin fierce.

Credit to OCDdoodles on Twitter

According to Google OCD is described as;

Obsessivecompulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental disorder in which a person feels the need to perform certain routines repeatedly (called “compulsions“), or has certain thoughts repeatedly (called “obsessions“), to an extent which generates distress or impairs general functioning.

There are 5 types of OCD:

  • Checking
  • Contamination
  • Symmetry & Ordering
  • Intrusive Thoughts
  • Hoarding

The worst part is, one person can have one of these types or all five. These types can change and drop and pick up. But usually there’s one steady type that stays the same. The scariest thing to know is that while this illness can be “treated” it can’t be cured. People can work through their OCD with a lot of hard work, anxiety attacks and self control. But this condition can’t be cured by drugs. And even on medication, it’s not completely gone, just easier to manage.

The difference between OCD and “just wanting to be clean or organized” is that those with OCD sometimes do their compulsions without even knowing it. There have been many times where I’ve done or said something OCD before even thinking of saying/doing it. It’s something that is on my mind 24/7. There are times your OCD will tell you you didn’t clean or do something “well enough” or that because of your OCD you’re a burden to everyone around you. And then there are times you get hit with random anxiety attacks and sometimes it just feels like way too much.

I’ll admit that the majority of my suicidal moments in the last 10 years have to do with OCD and the things it tells me.

And that feeds into my anxiety which feeds into my OCD and it’s this never ending fuckin cycle. And if you don’t know how to cope you’re in for a whirlwind of very intense emotions that can last anywhere from minutes to hours. When my anxiety attacks started it usually ended with me crying. Now a days I HAVE to go to sleep because I’m just so spent. So I do whatever I can to stay away from triggers and to prevent anything from “messing up”.

I’m going to try and spend this week talking about my experience, the ways I’ve learned to cope and all the things I’ve lost since being diagnosed with OCD. And I’m hope by the end of the week you’ll have a better understanding of what it all is.

Whew, I can feel the migraines now lol.

3 Zen Things I Added To My Room

I’m not sure if my room now is bigger or smaller than my previous — I’m gonna go with smaller simply because there isn’t room in here for a play pen or a jumper like there was in the last. Yet the last room had an open closet concept so there was that whereas this new room has the closet on the other side of the bathroom. Which imo is kind of awkward. And a bitch to vacuum cause then I gotta carry it OVER the hardwood floor and it’s just a big thing. But the closet is freakin huge.

I’ve always wanted to zen out my room and over the years I’ve tried. But nothing really clicked with me or the ideas I had didn’t turn out exactly as I had imagined them and I got discouraged. But this time I was SUPER determined, especially considering Tums now has her own room/space so she doesn’t need to crowd up mine! She still co-sleeps cause at this point there just is no turning back from that.

I spotted this floor light at Target and fell in love with it; I love how it has shelving underneath. I just wish it had more shelving. But I knew I wanted a floor lamp after the bedroom light in the last apartment blew out and we were without a bedroom light for months other than fairy lights. Plus I haven’t had a floor light since the movers lost mine on the way to Texas from Florida back in 2017. This floor light is what inspired me to think of other elements that would create a more zen feel in my bedroom.

I also knew I wanted to get a smaller salt lamp. I have others from my mom that are a bit bigger. This one just has a color changing bulb inside which is why it looks blue. You can’t set it to one color or turn off the color changing aspect which kinda blows. But it fits perfect on that shelf.

I spotted this new line of “luxury” products in the bedding section at Target. They had candles, these, throws, sleeping masks a whole line of cozy stuff! I opted for the diffusers (even though I literally don’t get how they work) and 2 room sprays. I kind of wish I had gotten Tranquility in a room spray. I’m trying to stay away from getting more candles atm. As luxury as this line looks, it wasn’t expensive. The sprays were $10 which is still cheaper than Bath & Body Works and I think the diffusers were the same price. As well as the candles.

I ended up moving the diffusers to the bathroom where they seem to fit more for, just wish the scent throw was stronger. And in its place I put a wax melt warmer. I have yet to snap a pic of the new set up.

I haven’t done much with the second shelf just yet. It has my bowl of earrings but that’s about all. I had some décor to put on the TV whenever I get it back from my husband — if I do. His big screen somehow broke in the move. Idk man. I really don’t. So now he’s using my TV in the living room. Which I said was fine for now since me and Tums don’t spend all day in the room like we use to.

I tried getting the night stand that matched my headboard but they were sold out. So either I wait for it to come back in stock or I find a different one. The only problem is how am I going to match it based on a picture online? I mean, granted THIS ONE literally doesn’t match ANYTHING in this room but you know. I’m being picky.

I finally put up the wireless charger I’ve had since I got home from giving birth. Yeah I know. And I freakin love it! You can’t tell but it’s rose gold on the sides. I got it on Amazon here if you’re interested. I also got an Alexa Echo Show which I didn’t know was a thing and it was on sale when I spotted it! So yay, even better! I wanted the Echo Dot that had the screen on it but I guess that was like an older version of this one. And this one was cheaper. It’s exactly what I wanted; Alexa with a screen to show me the time and weather. The husband uses it as an alarm clock and you know, it has all the usual Alexa features.

My dad actually gave me the Echo Dot I have that currently lives in the living room/kitchen. And we’ve been obsessed with it! We use it for almost everything. I use it for music alllllll the time and I just discovered you can install “skills”. So I have a bunch of Tagalog ones on mine!

I’m trying to figure out how I want to set up the dresser. It has a few things on it but I feel like they don’t really go. So I’m gonna redo it. Maybe when I get the TV back and I get a better idea of how much space I have.

So far I’m really happy with how my room is coming together. I just have to keep working at it and not get discouraged if I can’t figure anything out. I’m really trying to avoid falling into my usual discouraged hole!

Do you have any objects in your room that gives you a sense of Zen?