It’s hard to believe that nine months have flown by that fast — though I guess if I were still pregnant it would had felt like forever, especially now.
Technically her due date was estimated on the 22nd, the day after Penny & Axelyn’s 2nd wedding anniversary. How cool would that had been?! For their first anniversary I moved down to Texas and for their second we coulda had a baby. Okay, it’s a little sped up but you get what I’m saying.
Also I didn’t want to back log this post because… I just didn’t. Though if I had written this on the 22nd I would had been a blubbery mess of emotions like I had been when I wrote a very brief Facebook post.
Today would had been her due date…
I think the part that sort of sucks the most was that we lost the baby 3 days before her first appt and before her ultrasound; but at the same time I truly believe that it was for the better.
Would I had wanted to know the baby wasn’t going to make it on Christmas Eve? Or would I had been better off not knowing and enjoying Christmas as much as I could before we figured out something was wrong?
I watched a video earlier where someone had said; “there’s no reason to be bitter, these people aren’t taking anything away from you by sharing their news.” there’s something like sadness and a bit of jealousy seeing everyone who announced their pregnancy around the time I should had and are now posting pics of their healthy babies while mine isn’t here anymore. But there’s also a pain in remembering the entire time I was heavily bleeding in the middle of the night and going through painful contractions the only reason I was crying was because I knew my baby was dead.
I don’t have anything positive to really say about this, and I don’t like writing negative posts but I’m sure anyone who’s miscarried probably has felt the same way I feel right now.
It was suppose to be your due date.
My mind just stops there, abruptly.
I’m sad we never got to meet you. Or even see you. Your daddy loved you so much from the moment I told him you were here. And I miss you, all the time.
There are so many things I want to say; I struggled with depression a bit the week before and Bubba told me to write a letter to Autumn. What would I want to tell her? How can I write what I wanted to tell? When it’s filled with nothing but sadness, missed chances and grief?
I pride myself on seeing a silver lining despite how dark the world might seem but when it comes to this — I struggle so much.
When I found out I was pregnant I made the choice to keep quiet until either the first ultrasound or when we hit 12 weeks and the risk of a miscarriage would significantly drop, whichever happened first.
Her first appointment had been pushed back, I wanted to set it and get it done before the holidays so it was set for that Friday before Christmas. Then Bubba said he had to catch up on buying gifts and so I had to push the appointment date to a week later. And I spend way too much time reviewing that bit of info. Was there a reason why it happened that way? How would our Christmas had gone if we knew something was wrong? Granted seeing blood on Christmas Eve (and A LOT of blood which was later followed by cramps) wasn’t exactly a happy moment either. I freaked out but I read that sometimes you bleed and it doesn’t mean that anything is really wrong. It wasn’t until Christmas morning that the bleeding got so heavy that I had to put on a pad and I was constantly changing it out. That night I started getting contractions and around midnight I was HEAVILY bleeding and in full blown pain.
I’m not sure if I mentioned it here before but an ex had forced me to get an abortion and so this processes wasn’t lost on me. I knew what was happening. The only difference was I didn’t have any pain killers. But the emotional pain was all the same. I bled from midnight to 6am so heavily I almost passed out twice. I tried to sleep the best I could at around 6am, Bubba was 2 hours away at work at the time and he wasn’t able to come home which I thought was reallyyy dumb. So I slept for maybe I don’t know. 45 minutes at the most before I felt like I had to go to the potty again. And this time was different, I felt the strongest urge to push, so I did. And out she came. I remember wrapping it in a towel and crying with it in my hands. I just couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop the insane pain in my chest.
And it’s crazy; after seeing that you forget all about the pain from the last few hours you were in it. No matter how shitty it felt.
It wasn’t until then that I found out that ONE in FOUR women miscarry. ONE in FOUR.
The part that breaks my heart is how excited Bubba was. How he formed an alliance with the baby before it could hear. He bought her (we assume it was a girl) her first plushies — Barnsie & Noble. I was surprised to see that he unpacked them when I moved into my place now. And through out the process of losing her and the process of my recovery Bubba was there every step of the way. I think the most terrifying part was when they have to pull the remaining clots out of my cervix. Like, yo. That’s an incredibly shitty kind of pain. It was slightly more terrifying than losing all that blood during the miscarriage.
I honestly don’t know what I would say to Autumn. Her loss was no one’s fault and I think sometimes that makes it harder to process. That there is no fault. There is no reason. Sometimes it just happens. I think sometimes it’s harder to come to terms with something like that. I can’t say I’m sorry we didn’t get to keep you, but it was no one’s fault she left. I struggle with would I had wanted to see her knowing it might had been the first and last time? Or would I had healed more knowing that I didn’t see her?
Regardless, on this week, I’m thinking about her and keeping her in my thoughts.